Episode 606: Mila Kunis transcript
Prologue: The Guest Star's dressing room On Door Scooter: "(Guest Star's Name), oh, (Guest Star's Name), 13 2nds 'til curtain, Miss (Guest Star's last name). Guest Star: "Thanks, Scooter, I appreciate it." Scooter: "Well, you know what they say, we all have a show to do." Kermit appears through The Muppet Show logo....... Kermit: "It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Miss Mila Kunis, yaaaaaay!" [Upbeat Version Of The Muppet Show Theme Song Playing In Background] Music Begins Female Muppet friends: It's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights, it's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight Male Muppet friends: it's time to put on make up, it's time to dress up right, it's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight Waldorf: why do we always come here? Statler: I guess we'll never know Waldorf: it's like some kind of torture Statler and Waldorf: to have to watch the show Continues Playing In Background Kermit: and now let's get things started Miss Piggy: why don't you get things started?' Kermit and Muppet friends: It's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational, this is what we call The Muppet Show..... Whistle Sounds Scene 1: The onstage introduction Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, and welcome again to The Muppet Show, tonight's show is very amusing, 'cause our guest star for tonight is the talented, Miss (Guest Star's Name), but 1st, it's time for an opening musical #." Gonzo: "Hey, Kermit, you'd better look out, there's a big python snake on the loose!" Kermit: "Thanks for telling me that, Gonzo, Miss Piggy will send that python snake away." Miss Piggy shows up to karate chop the big python snake. Miss Piggy: "Hi-Yah!" Miss Piggy sends the big python snake away. Kermit: "Oh thanks, Piggy, what a relief." Kermit: "Anyway, here's our opening musical #." Opening Musical #: All Together Now Playing In Background Kermit: 1, 2, 3, 4 'can I have a little more?' 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 'I love you' Scooter: A, B, C, D can I bring my friend to tea? E, F, G, H, I, J I love you Rowlf: bom, bom, bom, bompa bom sail the ship, bompa bom chop the tree, bompa bom skip the rope, bompa bom look at me Robin, Fozzie and Walter: all together now all together now all together now all together now all together now all together now all together now all together now Rizzo: black, white, green, red can I take my friend t'bed? pink brown yellow, o'ange and blue I love you Robin, Fozzie and Walter: all together now all together now all together now all together now all together now all together now all together now all together now Rowlf: bom, bom, bom, bompa bom sail the ship, bompa bom chop the tree, bompa bom skip the rope, bompa bom look at me Robin, Fozzie and Walter: all together now all together now all together now all together now all together now all together now all together now all together now Fades Away Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony......... Waldorf: "Hey, Statler, have you ever had any love experience?" Statler: "No, Waldorf, I haven't seen Cupid's love arrow for many years." Waldorf: "Lovey dovey!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage........ Kermit: "Bear on Patrol is next, Bear on Patrol is next onstage, everybody!" ''Bear on Patrol'' sketch #: Sail Boat Announcer: "And now, ridding the world of evil, here's Bear on Patrol." Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Alright, come along, right this way, and...perfect." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Oh, yes, can I help you with anything?" Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "I caught him trying to chase after a rabbit in the library garden." Beautiful Day Monster: "I wasn't chasing after it, I was just making sure it stayed away from my red cabbage plants." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Very well, tell me your name, kind sir." Beautiful Day Monster: "I'm formerly known as Beautiful Day Monster, and I can prove that I'm innocent." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Well, in that case, you're finally free to go right now." Beautiful Day Monster: "Oh, thank you." ''Talk Spot'' Guest Star: "Hey, Kermit, can you please stay still? I wanna paint a real good picture of you." Kermit: "Okay, (Guest Star's 1st name), sure I can." The Guest Star paints Kermit's picture perfectly. Guest Star: "There, perfect." ''At the Dance'' Sketch #: Same as always Fozzie: "What time was it when Sir Lunchalot looked at his bellybutton? it was the middle of the knight, get it?!? middle of the knight?!? bellybutton?!? aaaaah, wocka, wocka." Pink Female Whatnot: "Very hilarious, indeed, you and your jokes." Scooter: "You know, my 1 true love? this dance just doesn't get any better than this 1." Lavender Female Whatnot: "No indeed." Mildred Huxtetter and George are dancing with 1 another. Mildred Huxtetter: "That's it, George, left and right, back and forth." George: "I think I'm getting the hang of it." ''Sam's Editorial Speech'': The Language of Music and Comedy Sam takes his place right at the podium. Sam: "Good evening, fellow Americans, it's a real good night to discuss about something very important: the language of music and comedy, Throat music and comedy, it can be heard playing in France, Japan, China, Sweden, Italy or Spain, no matter what country you're from or what language you speak, the language of music and comedy will always be your thing to do when things get pretty boring." Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage......... Kermit: "Pigs in Space is next, Pigs in Space is next onstage, everybody." ''Pigs in Space'' sketch #: Automatic Water Shooter Announcer: "And now it's time for Pigs in Spaaaaace, starring Captain Link Hogthrob, 1st Mate Piggy and the invention lover, Dr. Strangepork, where we last left our heroes aboard the Swine Trek." Link Hogthrob: "Oh boy, what an entire day, I thought we were gonna be stranded on some peculiar planet." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Good thing we weren't space monster chow by then." Dr. Strangepork: "Hey, you guys, I just finished my new invention: the Automatic Water Shooter." Link Hogthrob: "Tell me what it does, Dr. Strangepork." Dr. Strangepork: "All I do is plug it in, and wait for the water to automatically shoot out." Dr. Strangepork plugs in the Automatic Water Shooter. Dr. StrangeporK: "Observe and 'watch." The Automatic Water Shooter activates and begins shooting water all over the place. Link Hogthrob: "Hey, we're getting wet here!" Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "How do you turn it off?" Dr. Strangepork: "It's very simple, all I do is unplug it, and no water shoots out." Dr. Strangepork unplugs the Automatic Water Shooter to stop the water from shooting out all over the place. Link Hogthrob: "Wow, very fascinating." Announcer: "Will 1st Mate Piggy ever stick with her glamorous looks? does Captain Link Hogthrob know what happening? will Dr. Strangepork ever find himself a new invention? find out on the next exciting episode of Pigs in Spaaaaace. The Swedish Chef sketch #: Cheese and Meatball subs Swedish Chef: Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue, '' ''orn desh, dee born desh, '' ''de umn '' ''bork, bork, bork Swedish Chef: "Tuneeght, ve-a're-a mekeeng cheese-a und meetbell soobs, I bet thuse-a ere-a reel guud, yuoo bet." The Swedish Chef takes out 1 Italian bread and places it on his counter. Swedish Chef: "Furst, ve-a coot sume-a Iteleeun breed seex inches epert." The Swedish Chef cuts the Italian bread on the cutting board 6 inches apart. Swedish Chef: "Next, ve-a poot sume-a meetbells oon zee buttum helfes ooff zee Iteleeun beed perts." The Swedish Chef puts some meatballs on the bottom halves of the Italian bread parts. Swedish Chef: "Next, ve-a poot Emereecun cheese-a oon zee meetbell tups." The Swedish Chef puts American Cheese on the meatball tops. Swedish Chef: "Noo ve-a poot zee tup helfes ooff zee Iteleeun breed tu feenish it ooffff." The Swedish Chef puts the top halves of the Italian bread to finish it off. Swedish Chef: "It's noo teeme-a tu preheet zee oofee tu fuoor hoondred und feeffty degrees fehrenheeet." The Swedish Chef preheats the oven to 450 degrees fahrenheit. The oven temperature goes from 100 degrees to 450 degrees, and the Swedish Chef puts on his oven mitts and places the cheese and meatball subs in the oven, very carefully. Swedish Chef: "Noo ve-a set zee teemer oon fur ebuoot thurty sefee meenootes." The Swedish Chef sets the timer on the microwave for about 37 minutes. Timer Beeping The Swedish Chef turns off the microwave timer, then puts his oven mitts back on his hands and carefully takes the cheese and meatball subs outta the oven, then places them on a cooling rack on the counter. Swedish Chef: "Und here-a ve-a noo hefe-a cheese-a und meetbell soobs." The cheese and meatball sub comes to life and begins speaking. Talking Cheese and Meatball Sub: "Hey, don't stop now, you're doing good!" Swedish Chef: "Vhet zee hey?" Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again....... Statler: "That sub sure has 1 large mouth of an appetite." Waldorf: "It must be a lot of meatballs in that thing he was making." Statler: "And lots of American cheese melted on there as well too." Waldorf: "Which of course is the most cheesiest thing we've ever seen in our entire lives!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again.... Kermit: "Veterinarian's Hospital is next, ''Veterinarian's Hospital is next onstage, everybody!" ''Veterinarian's Hospital'' sketch #: Scooter as the patient Announcer: "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "And so just as I was walking around downtown in the city streets, I looked all around the entire place, and I saw a secret passage way that leads all the way to Candy Land." Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "Oh, Dr. Bob, you and your candy jokes." Janice/Nurse Janice: "So who's the patient this time, Dr. Bob?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Behold, observe and watch." Rowlf/Dr. Bob lifts the corner of the green quilt to reveal Scooter as the patient. Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "Oh my goodness, what's going on with this patient?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Tell all of us what's been going on with you lately." Scooter: "Well, I was cleaning up my apartment, and suddenly, a tree branch fell right on my head, and I was unconscious for 19 minutes, but thankfully I'm still alive and moving it up." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well that makes you the lucky 1." Scooter: "You said it yourself." Announcer: "Will Dr. Bob ever use proper control of his medical skills? will Nurse Janice ever stay beautiful? does Nurse Piggy know what she's doing? tune in next week to hear Nurse Janice say-" Janice/Nurse Janice: "Any words of advice for this patient, Dr. Bob?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well, he should be A okay by now." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once again........ Statler: "So, have you ever used any medical degrees before in your entire life?" Waldorf: "No, but I've taken a couple of flu shots." Statler: "Then what do you call yourself?" Waldorf: "The big healthy man!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Once Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage once again....... Kermit: "Muppet Labs is next, ''Muppet Labs is next onstage, everybody." ''Muppet Labs'' sketch #: Electronic Music Box Ticking [Muppet Labs Theme Music Playing In Background] Bunsen: "Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today, that's right, we're testing out our latest and greatest invention: the Electronic Music Box." (Brief Pause) Bunsen: "Just as you can see, the Electronic Music Box is not just any other music box, it's a music box that plays real good music when you push this bright red button on here, which of course my faithful assistant, Beaker here, will demonstrate on how to use it, come on out here, Beaker." Beaker: "Mee, mee, mo, mee." Bunsen: "Go ahead, Beaker, give it a go." Beaker pushes the bright red button on the electronic music box. [Instrumental Version Of Rainbow Connection Playing On Electronic Music Box] Bunsen: "Just as you can see, the power of music is part of language and life skills." Beaker suddenly gets dance craze fever. Beaker: "Mee, mo, mee, mee, mo, mee, mo, mee!" Bunsen: "Oh my word, it looks like Beaker developed a case of dance craze fever." Beaker is still dancing around like crazy. Bunsen: "Well, that's all the time we have for tonight, so join us next time here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today, see you real soon." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again........ Waldorf: "Tell me, Statler, have you ever bought a music box before?" Statler: "No, but I did buy a jukebox from a church yard sale." Waldorf: "What made you think about that?" Statler: "Music to my ears!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit onstage again........ Kermit: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, good friends of all ages, here's our closing musical #." Closing Musical #: Somebody to Love Miss Piggy: Caaaaan Janice, Wanda and Yolanda: anybody, find me, somebody to love Rowlf: On Piano Keys Miss Piggy: Each morning I get up I die a little can barely stand on my feet take a look in the mirror and cry lord, what you're doing to me? I have spent all my years in believin' You I just can't get no relief lord, somebody Janice: somebody Wanda: somebody Yolanda: Somebody Miss Piggy: anybody find me somebody to love Miss Piggy (continued) I work hard every day of my life Wanda, Janice and Yolanda: she works hard Miss Piggy: I work 'til I ache my bones at the end of Wanda, Janice and Yolanda: at the end of the day Miss Piggy: I take home my hard earned pay all on my own Wanda, Janice and Yolanda: incomprehensible Miss Piggy: I get down on my knees and I start to pray 'til the tears run down from my eyes lord, somebody Janice: somebody Wanda: somebody Yolanda: somebody Miss Piggy: anybody find me somebody to love Yolanda: she works hard everyday, try and I try and I try Janice: but everybody wants to put me down Wanda: they say I'm goin' crazy Miss Piggy: they say I got a lot of water in my brain Janice: I got no common sense, I got nobody left to believe Yolanda: yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Wanda: oh, lord, somebody Janice: somebody'' Yolanda: '''somebody Wanda: somebody Miss Piggy: anybody find me somebody to love Miss Piggy (continued): got no feel, I got no rhythm I just keep losing my beat Miss Piggy: I'm okay, I'm alright, I ain't gonna face no defeat I just gotta get outta this prison cell 1 day I'm gonna be free, lord I'm just gonna be free, free I tell you Miss Piggy (continued): in return, yeah, yeah, yeah in return, yeah, will I get, yeah, yeah, oh can you find me, can you find me? oh find me somebody to love find me somebody to love find me somebody to love find me somebody to love find me somebody to love find me somebody to love find me somebody to love find me somebody to love find me somebody to love find me somebody to love Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony 1 more time...... Waldorf: "You know, Statler, Astoria and I have fallen in love a couple of years ago." Statler: "Well, what did you avoid getting into?" Waldorf: "The love triangle!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably 1 More Time Scene 2: Back onstage/welcoming The Guest Star Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, for coming here tonight, you've all been such a wonderful audience for our show this evening, well, good thing that giant python snake is gone for good, but right before we go, let's give a nice warm welcome for our guest star, Miss Guest Star's Name, yaaaaaay!" The Guest Star arrives onstage. Guest Star: "Oh thanks, you guys, it's been wonderful being here with all of you tonight." Hilda: "I'm so relieved that horrible python snake is gone for good, it was making a terrible mess of the entire theater." Rowlf: "Good riddance to that." Kermit: "Well, we've had such a wonderful time here tonight, but we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show." End Production Credits Starring the Voice Performers Steve Whitmire Eric Jacobson Dave Goelz Bill Barretta Matt Vogel David Rudman Alice Dinnean Vernon Ryan Dillon Tyler Bunch Peter Linz Brian Henson and Stephanie D'Abruzzo Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony 1 last time. Statler: "Hey, Waldorf, now that the show is over, what do you say we head on down to Jerry Juhl Memorial Beach?" Waldorf: "What do you think it'll be like out there?" Statler: "Calm and peaceful, but kind of loud and energetic!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably 1 Last Time Category:The Muppet Show season 6 transcripts Category:Transcripts